Waiting

I feel like my life is "on hold" lately, waiting for the final outcome of the job transition from employee to private evaluator, waiting to have the house all to myself, waiting for a social life of some sort to emerge, waiting to simplify my life and slow down, waiting to arrange travel to Tampa/England/Italy/India, waiting for some spark to ignite passion/bliss/purpose, waiting. . . .

Truth be told - I'm scared, in so many ways. What if the downsizing turns out to be a financial disaster? What if nothing excites my interests career-wise? What is I turn into this recluse, addicted to Frasier and Big Bang Theory episodes? What is my friends and family finally get tired of my doldrums and abandon me? What if I end up alone, sitting in the rocking chair on the porch of the old folks' home, looking over at the empty chair next to me, the chair in which Janell was supposed to be sitting? The real truth - I still miss her so much, every day, every hour, every minute, and I'm scared I'll never learn to keep her memories in my heart and find a life with meaning, bliss and contentment.

What do I need to do take my foot off the brake, find "drive," and get going? My GPS is asking for directions and all I seem to be doing is looking at the map and trying to find the key.