When Janell was alive, we moved to a rhythm, a flow. We lived with her cancer, knowing we would find a way to conquer it. I've mentioned the image of the two of us sitting in our rockers on the porch of the old folks' home, holding hands. We lived; we loved; we grew more and more together; and we denied the progression of her illness until the very last days.
For the last year and a half I've lived alone, for the most part. I had my solitary routines with work, housework, yard work, my favorite TV shows, sports viewing and lots of exercise. The day-to-day routine turned into a day-to-day rut, interspersed with trips, movies and dinners with friends, writing, phone conversations and sleepless nights. And now my life - my work routine - has been tipped over. I've been thrown out of the boat and have to learn to swim in the business world, with negotiating contracts, determining billable hours, marketing my expertise in evaluation and adapting to running a company.
It's much in the same way my marriage was tipped over; I had the luxury of an incredible wife - beautiful, talented, funny, caring and passionate. We build a great life together, with our kids, our home, wonderful trips, loving extended family, great friends and enough money to pretty much do what we wanted. Now I'm swimming in a single's world and it's so alien. As I've said before, I have several friends, with the best of intention, who have begun the sentence with: "I have this friend I'd like you to meet." Well - I have a "friend," someone I've known for ten years, and someone with whom I've been a friend for ten years. I enjoy her company - dinner, movies, desserts, walks. And I think she enjoys my company. And I'm scared - frightened the relationship might go to a higher level and concerned if it doesn't, I might hurt her and I might be hurt too. It has the potential of being very complicated, in so many ways - emotionally, physically, work wise, family-wise, socially, and living-wise. I'm drawn to her, but still in my heart-of-hearts, Janell is the love of my life. How do you hold the loving memory of your late wife in your soul and think about the potential of a relationship that could grow and blossom into something greater?
The simple life is no more, if it ever was.
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