Kaleidoscope

I sometimes feel like I'm viewing my life through a kaleidoscope. Wikipedia defines a kaleidoscope as "a circle of mirrors containing loose, colored objects such as beads or pebbles and bits of glass. As the viewer looks into one end, light entering the other end creates a colorful pattern, due to the reflection off the mirrors." I'm viewing my life right now as a series of beads, pebbles and bits of glass. My career, my extended family, my in-laws, my home, my finances, my exercise routine, and my budding social life seem at times to be surreal. It is so hard to focus; I'm trying to cope with my past loss and my emerging reality, but I don't know what is real, and where I need to focus. Everything seems to be coming at me at once, and I don't know if it's real or just a reflection in a mirror.


Will the  career/job transition materialize or is it just a figment of someone' distorted imagination? Will I be able to maintain the level of connection with Janell's extended family? I love them and I know they love me. Will we be able to sustain that solid connection? Can I maintain the support for my sister as they assist Mom through the waning years of her life? I don't know how best to do that. As for my finances, talk about a fantasy - the money is only in a digital ledger - if the market crashes, poof - it's gone and so is my "secure"  retirement. I try to work out an hour a day - can my body realistically sustain that amount of effort without failing me. I'm obsessed with maintaining my weight and physical conditioning, but is that possible?

And finally - an emerging relationship: is it too soon? Too soon for what - going to movies or the theater, having dinner together, spending exclusive time together, or more or less? I have to admit - I'm frightened in two ways: that I won't know how or even want to, or I want to connect but get rebuffed. I feel sixteen again and let's face it, I'm NOT. I'm sixty-three years old. And I'm torn between my connection with my past marriage with Janell (and not wanting to disrespect what we had) and honestly not wanting to grow old alone. I want to move in to any relationship with my eyes wide open, to make a conscious decision on speed, depth and level of commitment. But then again has anyone, including me, ever entered into an intimate relationship on a rational level? But as Barbra Streisand's song begins: "before the parade passes by. . . ."