The dictionary defines an artifact as "an object made by human: an object made by a human being, e.g. a tool or ornament, especially one that has archaeological or cultural interest." I am surrounded by artifacts - pictures, scrapbooks, memorabilia, jewelry, an urn, and even tattoos - all connected to my marriage with Janell. I have photos of her in every room, including the drawing over the mantel. I have her scrapbooks and memory books on the shelves and tables. The urn is in our bedroom. I wear a pendant made of our wedding rings and a chain holding a small circle of gold with the the phrase "our journey begins" and our wedding date. And I have two tattoos, one with Janell's name in Sinhalese (the language of Sri Lanka) and another with a hand-print on a heart with the phrase "Remember" above it. Images and remembrances of her are everywhere and I feel no compunction to remove them. She inhabits our home, my heart and in two locations - my skin.
All of these artifacts give me comfort and give occasionally reignite my grief. I hesitate to think too far into the future, but I do. How do I preserve her memory and still find a healthy way to live? When is it time to reduce the plethora of reminders of our love and our life together? What if I decide to downsize my living arrangement in the next five to ten years - what becomes of all of the pictures, scrapbooks, memorabilia, and artwork? What if (and I truly cannot imagine this happening in the near future, if at all) I find a life partner and get involved in a healthy, caring relationship? How would she react to the jewelry, the pictures, the artwork, and the tattoos? And truth be told, how would I react in the other direction?
How do hold on and let go at the same time?
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