Okay, my friends - get ready for another rambling stream-on-consciousness expose. I'm sitting in my study surrounded by two computers, an iPhone with a dying battery (and my suppressed urge to take a hammer and beat the shit out of it because Verizon won't solve ITS problem!), stacks of books and binders from my work office, pictures of Janell and my kids/grandkids, three book shelves filled with volumes that I've read over the years (each emanating memories), more stacks of bills and documents, and a list of all the things I need to get done today on my day-off.
What am I doing, planting the seed in my organization's management about wanting to set up my own company and having them push the envelop, downsizing me in twelve days? What do I do for health insurance, liability insurance, marketing, accounting, networking, work schedule, and all the activities and services necessary for a successful private business? I feel incompetent, disorganized, abused, and petrified.
What am I doing, exercising an hour a day in addition to all the house and yard work, obsessing about my weight and striving to lose more, going to bed at midnight and getting up at 6:00 because I can't stay asleep any more, worrying about my health, and vegging on sit-coms?
What am I doing, secluding myself in our home, isolating myself from friends and family, and saying "no" to friends who "have friends," while at the same time becoming closer to one person in particular? Am I being fair to her, and to myself? Are we connecting for all the right reasons, whatever they might be? Will the enchantment wear off and will we hurt each other? I'm frightened and excited and jittery and confused and attracted all at the same time.
What am I doing regarding my financial future? My status related to job and income is in limbo and probably will be for the next three-to-six months. Do I become a miser and cease all unnecessary spending, or do I not give a damn and spend because the market is going to fall apart anyhow? So I might as well have a good time until it's all gone! Do I sell the house (even though there are six houses in a two-block radius for sale in my neighborhood) and downsize into a small condo or townhouse (leasing?) or do I ride out the economy here in our home?
The upside of being an evaluator and an analyst is that one has the skills and attributes to observe, gather data, determine patterns and facilitate action planning. The downside is that one holds one's self to a high standard; doing this with a client is relatively easy when compared to using the skills to determine one's own future endeavors. There is a huge gap between knowing and doing.
Paralysis by Analysis?! And all of this in the context of the still-heavy backpack of grief on losing Janell that weighs me down and fogs my vision of the future without her. What AM I Doing?
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