Decision Time

I may have mentioned that I planned to cease this blog at the end of August. I felt that after one year, many of you who have continued to read my ramblings might tire of it, or that I would feel the need to reach some resolution in my own transition. I'm finding two things: people are continuing to read my ongoing struggle to find some stability, joy and purpose. They are finding some solace and union that they are not alone in their grief issues, and that they are not "crazy." There is at least one other person out there who doesn't have it together.

I'm feeling the need to continue to learn by writing. In many ways I'm finding that though I may process many of my thoughts and feelings through an internal dialogue and external dialogues with friends and family, insights that I might not have recognized emerge out of the work of writing. I have had many "ah-haa" moments as my fingers click across the keyboard, in addition to a varying stream of tears. There is still so much pain deep down inside, and even as I type now, the tears well up and drop down my cheeks. I need to continue this blog until I can complete a posting without crying. I hope that day will come.

Even though I've reconnected with my extended family, maintain a loving connection with Janell's family and my kids, and am developing a close bond with a lovely woman, I still grief losing Janell. I fear it is a wound that will never heal; will that pain contaminate any potential for this relationship or for future relationships? Would it be fair for that person, to know that the tattoos etched on my arms and the pendants I wear around my neck are symbols of the everlasting love for Janell?

And so I continue. . . .