Perspective

I've heard people say that for a man, losing a job causes more grief that losing a spouse. Well, that is pure unadulterated bull shit. For me, the most painful event in my life was Janell's death. However, I have never really lost a job and be left completely jobless. I've shifted jobs when one was in jeopardy, but I've never been left completely in a lurch.

That may change and I may get to truly compare the two losses. I may be completely eliminated from my role as an external evaluator if I choose not to accept an abbreviated contract for work with my current firm. It is truly "crunch time." My professionalism, my honor, my years of hard work in building the evaluation program for the firm are being questioned. I'm being asked to accept strict limitations on my work, being micro-managed and being paid approximately half of what I have been earning. I will be working as a sub-contractor with no benefits. Therefore, I will need to negotiate a contract that meets the needs of myself and my family, my project directors, and the organization, in that order. And if we don't reach an honorable accord, I leave, but I leave with my head held high and my honor intact. At that point, I scramble - I kick my network into gear, launch a marketing campaign and build my own company. I can do this. And I am scared to death.

Losing Janell tore out my heart and caused me to question my reason for being. I lost my soul mate and my kindred spirit. Losing my job will rip my checkbook to shreds and cause me to lower my standard of living. I survived Janell's death - the most gripping and heartfelt loss I ever. My job? We'll see, but I can't imagine it will be in the same league. I can always find a new job - I know I can never bring Janell physically back into my life. I may find a new partner, someone I can love for who she is, not to replace Janell, but to be my life partner.