Keeping Busy versus Living

With transition in my career from employee to contractor, the remodeling of my house and the necessary upkeep,  the trips around the country and the world, the daily exercise regimen, and limited recreation - reading, TV and a few movies, I have kept myself busy. But lately I feel like I've stepped back from my life and thought about what it means to really live. I used a metaphor to a friend the other day about a shadowy individual with a black cape and a scythe standing outside my door, waiting. It's the grim reaper, the sense of mortality. The saying: "I don't want to get to the end of my life and discover that I haven't lived" lurks in the back of my mind. I felt alive when Janell was physically in my life - she was more than a catalyst for my existence - she was the primary reason for feeling alive. When she died, I went dormant. I didn't die and I didn't want to die - I just existed. In retrospect this blog, the love and support of family and friends, and ongoing struggle through my grief and pain helped me cope, and to begin to heal from this grievous loss. And I kept busy, but not so busy that I denied feelings. Again another mantra: "the only way out is through" - I talked, I cried, I wrote, I cried, I read, I cried, I felt and again I cried. And the tears may have helped to wash away many of the painful memories, leaving a solid base of the wonderful times that Janell and shared. I was so blessed to have her in my life, if even for the brief years we spend together. We lived.

And no doubt, knowing how kind, loving and giving Janell was, she would want me to live. In fact I can honor her and our incredible marriage by revitalizing my existence and diving back int life. It's scary; there is so much risk in being hurt again, of loving another and losing another, in revealing one's soul and being rejected, in reaching out and finding the world an empty place.

Okay - one more platitude: "life is either a daring adventure or nothing." My life with Janell was a daring adventure, filled with excitement, meaning, love, fulfillment and contentment. I want that again; it won't be the same, because there was only one Janell. There is a wonderful world out there, and who knows - there may be someone with whom I can share a new, different and possibly equally daring adventure. Who knows?