Janell's death created a division in my life. As husband and wife, we were inseparable; we were bonded; we were united in life. We created and lived a history, forging memories that are forever embedded in my heart. They will stay with me as long as I live.
According to some statistician, a sixty-year-old male in good health can expect to live another twenty to twenty-five years. The question for me is: "do I want to live those potential years alone?" And herein is the conundrum: can I keep those memories and the relationships that are part of our past AND build a healthy, honest, loving relationship with new life partner? As it stands now, the life that was with Janell has precedence; I can't imagine letting go of that history and I can't imagine another person wanting to live with me knowing that she resides in my heart. So - do I live alone? Do I live a lie with another person? Do I live with a split allegiance (and would another person really want to be my partner knowing that?)? Or is there someone out there who can accept that fact that I had an incredible marriage and can potentially have another wonderful solid, loving, honest, healthy relationship, still keeping the memories of Janell in my soul? And can I live with just the opposite - partnering with someone who also brings that same type of loving history into the relationship?
As I think about formulating a social life that involves dating (that "four-letter-word" again) and an attraction develops, how do I approach the topic of my life/love for Janell? How do I relate to a woman without comparing her to Janell? How might I allow a connection to develop without it infringing on my memories and potentially creating some pangs of guilt? How do I broach the subject without comparing, contrasting, or creating roadblocks that might not have existed without the conversation?
It's so confusing - I can feel the stress of wanting to know the answers before stepping fully into any experiences in which I might have to find some answers.
No comments:
Post a Comment