A History

When I think about moving ahead with my life along many pathways - professional, social, financial, living space, physical, family, relationship-wise - I realize I carry a history with me (I was going to term it "baggage," but that paints history with a negative connotation).

I've worked as a teacher, a school counselor, an educational consultant, a director, and a program evaluator, with smatterings of career/life coach, mediator, wellness coordinator and military police officer. I have an extensive array of learning and working experiences that could open many opportunities and perhaps close others. Age, of course, impacts those potential pathways.

Socially I feel pained that my potential social pathways have been closed by Janell's death. As I've stated many times before, I was part of a couples' world and now I'm a solitary individual. I have never really been a "joiner,"and feel the alien nature of faking it to become a joiner. So my options for this pathway are few. In this case, I really do bring my baggage with me, but to drop this part of my personality would be artificial and I want to keep the real me as I mature.

My financial pathways have always caused concern. I grew up in a family where money was always a problem, a roadblock. We were poor and my parents handled money poorly. I felt the stigma of poverty in my extended family, in school and in my personal life ( I remember my first bike purchased from Catholic Salvage, my selection of clothing options, my embarrassment with vacation turmoil). Now I have options: I could possibly continue to work in my current position and be somewhat financially secure; I could shift to my LLC with ongoing evaluation agreements; I could shift into a part-time, lower paying job and work until full social security benefits; I could retire now and begin social security and pull from my investments. After being poor and seeing the pain of scrambling to survive and having been financially secure over the past fifteen years, I really don't want to worry about money. Again I definitely bring baggage to this issue.

I love our home. Many times when I'm pulling into my driveway, I stop and look at my house. I sometimes can't believe I actually live in this place. I delight in what Janell and I have done with it - the remodeling, the colors, the furniture - the comfort and peace I find here. I bring a history of having lived in many houses as a kid, having to move several times because we couldn't pay the rent, living in a house with no indoor plumbing, and then living in this awesome place. I have to admit - I don't want to downsize (okay - call me a "snob").

I have become compulsive on exercise. I get jittery if I don't work out every day for at least an hour. I have a fear of being fat. As a kid, even though I don't think I was overweight, I felt fat, and if I take even one day off (or heaven forbid two or three days!) I would bloat up. I also take care regarding what I eat and try to balance any days of eating and drinking rich, fat food with salads and sparse meals. I carry a lot of paranoia about my weight and my body configuration.

I have, as we all do, a wealth of history concerning relationships - nuclear family, extended family, social networks past and present, professional relationships, current family (both biological and step) and of course marriage. I am a product of all of those interactions (David Eagleman in Incognito would assert that those early relationships have created what he called "zombie systems" that direct almost unconsciously how we act and how we make decisions). I don't worry about my biological family and my interactions with them. They are solid, bonded by hardships, live experiences and joy. I do worry about my future connections with my step-family, both kids and extended family. Too many times, as I've seen with other families in similar situations, the connection fray, dissolve or end badly. I have almost twenty years with Janell's biological connections; I want them to remain, but I want them to be balanced, both receiving and giving. That future remains uncertain.

Regarding any future intimate relationships I might have, I bring a depth of history. I have never had a connection with another person that I had with Janell. We bonded in so many ways, and those bonds have become part of who I am and who I will remain. I can't imagine ever having another person in my life like her, and that statement seems to close out any opportunity for me to ever find another life partner. It would be so unfair to her (could you imagine constantly being compared to this perfect internal image of a past soul mate?). If indeed I ever consider shifting from a solitary lifestyle to leisurely dating to even considering a more in-depth relationship, I would need to reappraise my internal connections with Janell and be very upfront with this other person. Perhaps in time my views might shift, but for now, I live with my internal kindred spirit.