On a warm July night eighteen years ago, I married this intelligent, vivacious, fun-loving, sensual and giving woman of my dreams. As I went for a walk to today, I reminisced about our wedding and our honeymoon to British Columbia, and what incredible adventure it was. It truly was a springboard to a life of fulfillment and meaning and regret for not living one-hundred percent in the moments of her presence.
And, as I think back through our life together, I realize how I did not ever fully appreciate how blessed I was to have Janell as my soul mate, and for that I apologize. I expected our lives to go on forever, that she would never die. I think about a million "what if's" we were never able to share. How could I have left her for three weeks to attend an evaluation summer program? How could ever have worked late, traveled alone to workshops or conferences, or allowed her to do the same? How could I ever not snuggled with her during a "chick-flick" or spooned all night? And how could I have ever left her hospital room at all during those last days?
Janell - I'm so sorry I wasn't always there for you when you needed. I'm sorry I put myself first on too many occasions. I'm sorry I allowed you to die. As Joan Didion writes in The Year of Magical Thinking: "If the dead were to truly come back, what would they come back knowing? Could we face them? We who allowed them to die? The clear light of day tells me that I did not allow (Janell) to die, that I did not have that power, but do I believe that? Does (s)he?"
In the recesses of my heart, I still believe that I could have driven her up to the Mayo Clinic, that they could have repaired her heart, controlled her Carcinoid cancer, and relieved her pain. In the "clear light of day" I know her body was worn out from twelve years of battling her illness, but I could have done more. I could have been more attentive; I could have fought harder for more treatment to conquer her cancer; I could have been a better kindred spirit.
And on this anniversary, I apologize to you. My love for you will live as long as I live.
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