Missing Body Parts

As I was out for a walk this morning, I passed by a middle-age couple. As we approached, I look at them, said "good morning" and smiled. They did not make eye contact, did not acknowledge my greeting and walked on by as if I didn't exist. So I finished the exchange for us, saying "oh, good morning. How are you? Fine and how are you?" I don't know if they heard me or not, but I thought: how rude! I was irritated by their lack of politeness, but this innocuous display precipitated a deeper feeling of anger and frustration.

At first I thought: "where did this come from?" And then I realized that these feelings have been just below the surface since Janell died, and probably before. I've suppressed them, but they have a way of rising to the surface and causing me sleepless nights, headaches and body aches, intellectual distraction and a general listlessness (I've heard that a definition of depression is anger turned inward). And that one moment of rudeness seemed to open the floodgates.

I'm angry by the way my current organization is downsizing my position later this year, offering me sub-contacting work with no benefits. There was a year, according to the CEO, where evaluation work carried the company when the other divisions were struggling. I realize I may not have been at my best in the last year and a half, but - cut me some slack. I'm frustrated by the lack of responsibility from several of those Janell and I have supported since we were married. I realize they too have suffered a life-changing loss, as I have, but now if the time to step-up, take positive charge of their finances, their studies and their lives. The monetary support ends soon, the emotional support will carry on. On a national level, I embarrassed by the conduct of those we elected to govern the state and the country. They are acting like spoiled children who pout when they can't get their way.

But most of all, I'm angry, frustrated and disappointed at myself. I am highly intelligent, a skilled facilitator and evaluator, caring and empathic, blessed with verbal fluency, and capable of effective decision making. However, I seem to lack two essential body parts to put these attributes in gear: a backbone and a set of b*##s. More training isn't what I need; more long talks with supportive friends won't make a difference; more life coaching just delays the process.

What I need is action. I have often used the phrase: "when in doubt, do something." And so I have. Related to my career, my LLC is set up; my negotiating points are ready; and the transition will take place. Regarding the shift of responsibility from me to others, we will set up and transition, which will be accomplished by September 1st. Nationally, I have no control over budget negotiations, but that doesn't mean I can't let them know how I feel and find ways to be politically involved in the upcoming election cycle. That would be a actionable way making a difference.

I need to DO, not think, not plan, not debate, not anything but DO!