Janell and I always joked about our future together. She always talked about my "next wife" being a young hottie and I responded about her "next husband" being a young stud, or about the two of us sitting in our rocking chairs on the porch of the old folks' home.
And now the reality - we won't be together in our old age. And during a long conversation yesterday, a tough set of questions arose: would I elect to spend the rest of my life alone? Am I afraid of finding a life partner? Or am I afraid of not finding a life partner?
Alone? I do miss companionship with a person I can trust, confide in, and have fun with. But the idea of casual dating, multiple companions and lack of depth repels me. It doesn't fit who I am or who I want to be.
Finding a life partner? I know people tell me that Janell would want me to be happy, but another life partner (I can't even use the word "wife"). People I care about and who care about me in essence have told me: "it's alright to think about that and if it happens and it makes you happy, then go for it."
Afraid to find a life partner? I know it sounds bizarre, but I almost feel like I would be betraying the memory of our marriage and our love. I know how much pain and grief I felt and am feeling about losing Janell. Am I willing to risk another round of such feelings? I don't know.
And so I go on living, day-by-day. We will see what tomorrow brings and the next day and the next day. . . .
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