Pursue Your Passion

As I was conducting a series of interviews for an organization development evaluation, my eyes kept being drawn to a book cover on a shelf nearby. The cover said "Pursue Your Passion." It reminded me of Joseph Campbell's phrase: "Follow Your Bliss." In my case, Janell was my passion and my bliss, and now - I feel aimless (No pun intended!)

What is my bliss? What do I want to do that creates a sense of "flow" and timelessness? I felt it for awhile when conducting the interviews. I felt competent; I felt connected to the interviewees; I felt like my mind was working on deciphering patterns, themes and issues. I felt like I could make a difference with this organization. And I felt a sense of excitement as I move from a mere employee to an independent evaluator with my own business.

What is missing is my human bliss, my relationship with Janell that formed the passion of my inner life. She was my soulmate, my kindred spirit, and now there is a void, an abyss that knows no end. Every time I see a flash of red hair on TV, in a movie or on a street, my mind and heart are jerked back to Janell. Every night when I go to bed, I touch her pillow and many times end up sleeping on her side of the bed. When I think about wanting to go to a movie or to a play, I stop myself because she is not here to be my date. My passion is remembering Janell; my bliss was our life together; and my grief remains an open wound.