Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I'm feeling bombarded with a growing mound of decisions - personal, family, home, relationship and career/job, and now I'm making them alone. I truly miss Janell as my sounding board. She was so insightful, so creative and so supportive. I always felt when I was faced with a decision point, whether innocuous or profound, she was always there. She listened; she posed alternatives; she reflected with honesty and sensitivity; and she helped me decide on the best course of action.

I feel overwhelmed from so many directions. I have a closet-full of Janell's professional clothing. I know she would want them to go to help women returning to the workforce, but making the decision AND acting on that decision is so hard. It's so hard to let go; I know what she would say - "What are you waiting for? Get those clothes to people who can use them!"

I know that I need to let go and stop enabling, but I find it so hard to shove "tough love" to the forefront and tell people it's time to go it on your own. I will support, but I won't be a personal teller. And what would Janell do: she knew when to provide comfort and when to direct. Now is the time to issue the ultimatum and set a timeline for action.

I'm almost finished with the home remodeling and repairs; now is the time to push through the last two or three items. I'm feeling hesitant to reach closure, get the contractor on the phone and get the jobs completed.  And why - I'm not feeling assertive to push a bit with the great person to do the work and I'm getting concerned about finances.

I'm feeling directionless about relationships. I have had several overtures from friends to do things; in the past year I've felt comfortable being alone. I've almost wished people wouldn't call and ask me to do things. Now, however, I'm beginning to feel listless and a bit lonely. I still can't fathom the concept of "dating" - it feels so artificial and the last thing I need or want is to "fake it." Maybe it's a combination of feelings: a sense of betrayal of my relationship with Janell and a fear of ever loving anyone again. I cannot experience this kind of pain and grief again. So I'm stuck between not wanting artificiality and not wanting intimacy.

And career-wise: As I have told so many people, as Oscar Wilde has stated: "There are two tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want. The other is getting it." I have recently received word that I am getting what I want: an opportunity to open my own consulting business and be an evaluation/consulting firm of ONE. Now I need to work like hell to set up all of the components of my own company. And now, more than ever, I want Janell as my partner, to counsel me, to support me and to pick me up if I fall down. She is not here in person, but she is with me in spirit. I need to let her energy, her creativity, her solid work ethic and her love for me (and me for her) move me to succeed.