Packing II (for real)

Moving some items around, putting a few pieces of clothing in a box, and rearranging a few shelves is not really making the concerted effort to move on (again that term - "move on" - to where?). The REAL packing began last night, with pulling out all of Janell's clothes and personal items - sweaters, professional clothing, purses, shoes, casual clothes, etc. and talking through next steps with our kids and a sister-in-law. What do we keep, what items have a personal meaning to one of us/all of us, what do we do with these things that were a day-to-day connection with our wife/mom/sister, what would Janell WANT us to do and how important is that consideration, and how do I fill the void in my closet, shelves, drawers, and LIFE?

We struggled through these things, crying, hugging, telling stories of the meanings and experiences attached to some of them, and each of us reacting in our own way. We are each working through the letting go/transitioning process with resignation, sorrow, detachment, remorse, hope and hopelessness, and anger - directed toward another but really scattered everywhere.

I set out all of her belongings, with the assurance that they will remain in our house until everyone has agreed to take what holds meaning and to allow me to share with the community of women in Omaha items that Janell no longer needs, but might benefit them in their personal and professional lives. This process is more than just a tangible shift; it is also a symbolic one. It is part of the ongoing transition of letting go of the physical world that she inhabited with us, but strengthening the spiritual realm that she occupies in each of our hearts.

I still want both - my heart breaks every day when I awaken and not find her next to me. I'm hoping that my heart will heal - that the broken pieces will come back together and allow me to be strong again. Her spirit and the love that we shared for twenty years is capable of working miracles, if I can let go of her physical presence and learn to live and love with her spiritual presence.