Transcending "Poor Me"

I feel like I start every day with the phrase - "my wife died" and I weave into every conversation the phrase ' "Janell died." I live that epitaph every single day, multiple times. It is my mantra - Janell's death undermined the main pillar of my life; it took away a salient reason for being.

Poor Me - Poor Me - Poor Me

How do I transcend my loss? I won't heal - I won't recover - I won't get over losing my kindred spirit. What about transcend? Think about two definitions of transcend:

• to triumph over the negative aspects of 
• to rise above or go beyond the limits of

How do I "triumph" over this life-changing loss?
How to I "rise above" or "go beyond the limits of" losing my life-partner?

I don't feel like I'll define my transcendence through conventional, everyday work. I need to find a calling at a higher level, to make meaning of the my remaining work life and to utilize my network to let that happen.

I don't feel like I'll define my transcendence through run-of-the-mill activity-related and surface friendships. I have never related to people that way. Yet I feel reticent about joining a support group. I sometimes feel abandoned by our former couple-friends (I understand how the circle closes when a spouse dies and don't in any way condemn them for their movement back to their couple-friends and nuclear families). I have never really been a activity-joining type of person who finds connections through sports, cards, and other social maneuverings. I need to find human connection at a deeper level and it needs to happen organically, not mechanically.

I don't feel like I'll define my transcendence through a religious pathway. I'm disenchanted by organized religion and am nauseated by any concept of Janell's death being "God's Will." I know there is order in the Universe and I know there is so much that humankind doesn't comprehend, but to me organized religion doesn't even raise the right questions, much less provide the right answers. I need to continue to read, to study, to think and to reflect for the deep meaning of existance.

I don't feel I'll define myself by force of will and logic. I know I have "control issues." I know that many times I like to run the show, to be in charge. I know that at times I "don't play well with others." I need to let go, to take some healthy risks in many aspects of my life, to try new activities, to experience new ways of doing things, to reach out to new relationships. I need to transcend my loss, to question the status quo of the last months and stretch-risk-reach-dare.