Downsizing

Much of my life has been a process of expansion - a larger home, a larger family, more work at a higher salary, an extended network of friends worldwide and an expanding and deepening love for Janell. Her death severed that process. Everything has come to a crunching halt.

And now I'm considering movement in the opposite direction - downsizing. I've pulled in my boundaries and seem to limit myself to home on the weekends. My circle of friends is on a status quo; many of the couples-friends that Janell and I interacted with have gone on to nuclear families and other couples. I have not helped re-establish the connections, preferring instead a self-imposed isolation. Eventually I may move to a smaller dwelling - I can't imagine doing that in the near future because the memory of Janell lives in our home, but at some time in the future, finances may dictate such a downsizing.

I feel like I'm also in the process of downsizing my expectations for life. Do I have the strength, energy and drive to shift from full-time work to self-employment and semi-retirement? Do I have an inner desire to travel alone and see more of the world, but no one to share the experiences with? Am I shifting from a balanced personality of introvert-extrovert into a more introverted individual, almost a recluse? Am I downsizing my circle of intimacy? And am I closing off any opportunities for another monogamous relationship, knowing full well that the love that Janell and I shared was perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime expression of passion and commitment? Or am I just unwilling to risk this kind of pain and grief again?

At times I feel flashes of revival - some really interesting segment of work stokes my passion; a stimulating conversation begins to pull me out of my isolation; new learning from a workshop or book stimulates the creative urge. But they are temporary and I slip back into the doldrums, into "smaller-is-better," "less-is-more," and "isolation-is-reprieve."

So - when is the dawn?