Trust vs Mistrust

Sometimes I wonder if we don't relive Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development when we go through a traumatic event in our lives. Losing Janell is without a doubt the most severe trauma in my life. And I have lost trust in so many ways, including trust in myself.

I find myself questioning my decisions, or in many cases, just not making decisions. I have retreated from life and live in a state of semi-seclusion. Even though I have made a number of decisions about redecorating our home, I haven't taken any quantum steps for designing and implementing a single person's life.

I question my place in the world of work, which was a main source of my identity. I don't trust myself to re-immerse myself in program evaluation, or to take the necessary steps to either go out on my own or re-invent myself in a new, potentially fulfilling career. Sid Simon always wrote about "stuckness" - I'm a case study of that zone of life. I don't trust the economy or the government or the security of my investments.

I question any movement into a social life. It's not that I don't trust friends (and friends who "have a friend they want me to meet"); it's that I don't trust myself enough to be willing to risk connections, or maybe I don't want to get hurt again. I remember years ago participating in a gestalt therapy training, where I had to designate people around me to represent aspects of my own life. Once I did that, I had to physically accept each of those self-elements as who I was. I did that and felt such a release of tension. Then the therapist pointed out that the person selected as my "fear of rejection" had been left out. I still harbor that fear. I don't trust myself enough to believe that people would accept me; I know that sounds foolish because I know people love me, but deep down how lovable am I?

I don't even trust my body and keep trying to slim it down, tone it up and stay healthy. But I see so much disease, so many accidents and so much deterioration related to age. I know any or all of them are inevitable, but I worry (you know the old saying: "you can't be too rich or too thin!).

I want to let go, to relax, to enjoy, to connect, to trust.