Re-calibrating My Life

What an interesting word - recalibrate. The definition: "to correct a measuring process by checking or adjusting again in comparison with a standard." When I think about the "standard" for my life before Janell's death:

•  Our time together, relaxing, spending time with family and friends, enjoying movies and plays, and being a loving couple
• A focus on work
• Earning enough money to buy the things we wanted for our home, our family and ourselves
• Traveling and seeing the sites we had on our "bucket list" 
• Thinking ahead to our rocking chairs on the porch of the old folks' home  

As I think about my life now, I need to recalibrate, to check and adjust in comparison to the above standard. But now the basis for my "standard" is gone. Janell is internally a part of my life and always will be, but externally - I'm alone. The rules have changed. I've sequestered myself for the most part in my home, venturing out for work, for exercise and to spend time with my nuclear family, and occasionally traveling. The recalibrating may entail major shifts: changing jobs or careers (or retiring), selling our house and buying a condo, shifting lifestyle, and the most frightening of all words for someone widowed: dating. 

The idea of actually going to a movie, dinner or the theater with someone other than Janell (other than my "safe friends") feels so alien; I tell myself I'm not ready, but my friends usually begin a conversation with the phrase: "I have this friend I would like you to meet." Up to now, I've basically cut them off - I'm not ready to step into that arena. I remember the posturing, the small talk, the awkwardness, and I don't want to play those games again. And I don't want to reveal my real self to anyone else, not yet and maybe not ever. I opened myself up totally to Janell - she owned my mind, my heart and my soul. Losing her is the most painful experience of my life and I wouldn't have traded our life together for anything in the world; but I don't know if I ever want to make myself that vulnerable again. 

So I feel trapped in limbo - not wanting to play the game of pseudo-relationships and not wanting to be an open person again and risking pain. And I know people will say: "it's only dating, spending time having fun with someone. It's not commitment." But I don't want to risk. So the recalibrating process continues. . . .