Packing

In preparing the house to have the carpets cleaned, I moved several of Janell's clothing items to the spare bedroom, along with some empty boxes. As I was in the process of moving things back, I began to place her shoes and purses in those boxes. In the midst of this initial packing, tears welled up in my eyes. Was I  really ready to do this, to begin a physical process of shifting to a single life? I then packed several of her sweaters (No, not the holiday ones! They are still too special to take off the closet shelves). That was all I could do - "baby steps."

And later that day, as I was watching a science fiction movie on the end of the Earth as we know it (interesting that I would watch it on May 21st?), a quote jumped out at me: "To see the light of wisdom, you must first empty your cup." To heal, to return to the world of the living, to find my way, must I also begin the process of letting go of the physical connections, to Janell's belongs? I know she would want the usable items to go to those who would benefit from them - her professional clothes to the YWCA center that provides clothing for women returning to the workforce, her personal clothing to Goodwill, and possibly her early childhood resources to either Wildwood Elementary of the Early Childhood Center. I will discover over the next month whether I'm ready or capable to packing her belongings and sending them to needy people.

What I will never do is "pack away" my memories of our love and our life together. They will stay fresh in my heart; as I've written many times, Janell left a hand print on my heart. Over the last fourteen months, I find myself reflecting on our short time together and feeling a subtle shift from tears to smiles. The pain will always be there, slipping in to the recesses of my soul, residing as a constant dull ache. The love and the profound joy of our marriage will dominate my essence and make the pain bearable.