Enabling versus Supporting

Beware - this is going to be a rambling post. I won't know what I'm thinking or feeling until I write. (Stream-of-consciousness for the English majors)

Where is that line in the sand where supporting slides into enabling? How long does a parent provide financial support: insurance (both auto and health), transportation, phone, room and board, tuition, books, and the "extras"? Where does that support become dysfunctional? What is the role of "entitlement" in larger picture? How much should one have to "suffer the consequences" of runaway spending? Where is the line between helping a young person to launch an adult life and building one's retirement nest egg? When does the responsibility shift, however subtly, from the parent to the young adult? How does one have that conversation, and reach an understanding on how the parent will support the young adult and how the parent will not support the young adult? How willing is the parent to let that young adult sink-or-swim in the real world before throwing them a financial life vest?

Research is now saying there are six (6) stages of life: childhood, adolescence, odyssey, adulthood, active retirement and old age. The two new areas - odyssey and active retirement - are the stages in question. I am close to entering the latter. When our children are adolescents, there is a need and a mandate to support them, to begin the launch sequence into self-sustaining living. Then in odyssey, many parents continue that support in the form of subsidies, short-term return-to-home, and insurance.

Janell and I worked together to help our children through these difficult phases and for the most part, we succeeded. I stress "WE." Now it's just me and I'm approaching retirement (36 months, not that I'm counting!). I am also approaching with much trepidation, a number of life-decisions: what will be my capstone career, how do I maintain/enhance my connections with my adult children and my grand kids, where and how will I live, what will be my social life (yea - what's a social life without Janell?!), and what are the goals/ambitions for the remaining years of my life?

Everyone talks about "tough love," but when push-comes-to shove (don't you just love that phrase? And where did that come from?), are we truly willing to let go and not say: "okay, just this once"? How will the aunts and uncles react? How will the siblings respond? And what are the long-term consequences for this tough love approach?

So - am I being selfish if I want my life with my adult children and not for them? Am I being an ogre if I say: "it's time to grow up and assume responsibility for your life?" And am I being a Scrooge if I say: "now is the time to live your life on your bankroll and not mine?"

I'm tired of being a caretaker and I feel pangs of guilt for saying it.