As difficult as it is, I need to assess my blessings (you can tell I'm an evaluator - "assess"?). I have an incredible family - five kids (the step-kids are no long "step-kids" - THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!) who continue to mature and support me, as I hope I have supported them. They continue to amaze me with their caring, their adventurous lives as vibrant examples for me, and their love for each other and their children - my grand kids.
My sister has been the one who has laughed with me, cried with me and been the "saint" in Mom's life. My younger sister has re-entered my life with such a caring attitude. Mom has always been there for me, my life-long cheerleader. I have reached out to my extended family, particularly our cousins. The response has been so warm and accepting. We will continue to grow back together, the way we were growing up in our hometown.
My in-laws are the type of family where, if you had to choose them before you chose your spouse, this is the extended family you would have chosen. Even though the family joke was that I was voted into the family by a 5 - 4, that is not the case. They have surrounded me and my kids with such love. They stay in touch and invite us to participate actively in their lives.
I have a working network who are more like family than co-workers and partners. They keep an eye on me, make sure I eat healthy, get enough rest and moderate my workload. They make me laugh, they let me cry, they give me hugs when I really need them. Oh, sure, we gripe about things - the economy, the government, the management - but we care about each other and share our lives.
I have a house that I love - it is so full of memories; each room evokes thoughts and feelings of laughter, of love, and of sadness. Janell permeates each and every room - pictures of her, artwork she has purchased or stitched, awards she has won, furniture we purchased together, the flowers surrounding the house, and her wardrobe that still hangs in our closet. This house - our home - is my sanctuary, my place of comfort and security.
I have my health; all of my medical issues - back, sinus, eyes, abdomen, skin, and "other parts" have been examined and declared in good working order by a cadre of doctors. I work out daily and eat a fairly balanced, healthy diet, with just the right amount of Diet Coke, coffee, and chocolate. I sleep enough, but not well.
I love to read and try to read daily; my latest choices have tended to lean toward issues of death and dying, and cancer, in addition to texts on evaluation. However, I have purchased more on emotional intelligence and positive psychology. I have to push myself in the positive direction. In addition I am moving away from news TV - it's so vitriolic - and finding means to laugh - The Big Bang Theory, Community, Parks and Recreation, Modern Family and Desperate Housewives (okay - no one's perfect!)
And yet - none of the above makes up for losing Janell. She was the light of my life, my reason for living, and my kindred spirit. And so - I get up in the morning, I look in the mirror much like Bob Fosse did in All That Jazz and say - "it's show time" - and maneuver through the day.
Meaning, Goals, Future - it's out there somewhere, I think. . . I hope. . . .
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