Taking Stock - Part I

Let's face it - I'm stuck, frozen, pushed off one trapeze bar and not finding another to grasp, gasping in mid-air, and faking reality.

I do my work because I need something to do, it pays the bills, I have a responsibility to my project directors and it creates a routine that keeps me from huddling in our bed in the fetal position.

I hibernate in my house, in my recliner, with my books, my sitcoms, and Rachelle Maddow and Fareed Zakaria. I rarely talk with people; few people call and I call even fewer. I bring boxes home from work, with the thought that some day I will pack up Janell's clothes, but it's only a thought, not an action I know how to begin. I know I need to have the carpets cleaned, but can't make the decision to call someone; I can't even decide what day and what rooms. I have ton of yard work, but haven't made the effort to buy potting soil, plants, mulch, etc. I haven't even made a plan of what to do.

I sometimes feel that no matter who I talk with or what I talk about, I draw the conversation around to Janell, her death, my loss, my grief. I wonder when people will start avoiding me ("I hope he doesn't talk about death, grief, loss and Janell - again"). She permeates my mind and heart and thoughts and feelings. I have her pictures in every room, including my office. Each picture evokes a different memory, filled with love and pain.

People (again - "people") say that we move through our grief in our time and in our own way. One can't be pushed; each person pulls him/herself along into some semblance of "recovery." The books on grief talk about living one day at a time and not looking too far ahead. If I were to peek into the future - three years, five years, ten years - I see nothing, a void, alone, an abyss - not a good sign, right?

I employed a technique when my daughters didn't know something; I would say: "what if you did know" - what would the answer be? If that didn't work, I would say: "guess." Maybe I need to take stock of my life using those same tools. What if I did know what my life will be like in one, three, five, and ten years?