Sorting

As usual on Friday night, I made my "to-do" list for the weekend, my way of getting through the two unstructured days. Each item on the list means making a decision and acting. I'm hoping this helps me work my way out of the doldrums of grief and start designing a future.

I spent part of the day putting away the snowmen decorations and putting up the Easter material. I do this in memory of Janell who relished the changes of the season and the opportunity to display that transition, for Janell's sisters who want that tradition to continue, and for the grandkids who just like to see the new stuff. As I was redecorating, I opened the cabinets in the family room and began another process of exploring, sorting, shifting and rearranging. The cabinets were full of candles, candle holders, more snowmen, books,  games, plates, pictures and picture frames. I have done this with the laundry room, the dining room, the kitchen, the bathrooms, the downstairs family room and the basement storage area. What is remaining - the bedroom and bedroom closet. I keep telling myself I will not sort, shift, rearrange or box any of Janell's clothes and personal items, not until the kids are here in June. I'm not ready to let go, to move on, to become a single man. I know intellectually I am a widower and I am physically alone. But gut-level, soul-level, I'm still a married man and a husband and not alone.

And so I make my list and check them off, and wait and heal?