The gorgeous maple has change colors so quickly this year. I wrote about it last year. One day it's plain green and the next day (okay - not quick "the next day") it transitions into this vivid red. And then within the week, the wind blows and the leaves disappear, leaving a skeleton until the spring. Then the cycle starts over again.
Janell loved that tree, as do I. I came back from Illinois after being gone for three days, and there is was, in all of its vibrant glory. And I know Janell smiled down on me. She sometimes seems to drift away from me, and then something as simple as a maple tree pulls her back. A song, a flash of red hair (as in the movie The Help), sitting in her chair at the scrapbooking table down stairs, getting a piece of junk mail with her name on it - little things re-establish my loving memory of her, of us.
Is it fair to another with whom a budding relationship is emerging, that Janell is still so much a part of my interior world? I feel a growing connection with her, wanting a friend, a confidant, a lover, someone to share my world with, but can I really find a way to hold Janell in my heart and soul and respectfully and honestly give myself to another? Can I do that, and can she accept the fact that Janell will always in essence "be there"? Saying it isn't an issue and living with that internal sense that my heart is shared - will that move from acceptance to annoyance to a "deal breaker"?
The loving memory of our marriage is locked in my heart, and there is no key.
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