Eleven months have passed since Janell died - the time seems like the blink of an eye and a millenium. The memory of her laugh, her kiss, her touch, her essence remains strong. She fills my thoughts and emotions - her spirit lives in my soul.
A question was posed to me last week - how do you hold on to the loving core of our life together and yet "move on" to re-build a life of meaning, hope, and fulfillment? People I talked with and literature I read suggest a wealth of ideas - but maybe the first idea is:
You have to want to (embedded in that concept is the question - "what would Janell WANT me to do?"). I feel a loyalty to her - to us, and any attempt to separate any of the bonds, tangible or intangible, feels like a betrayal. I know she would want me to be happy, but so much of my wellbeing centered on our life together. I know that sounds "dysfunctional," perhaps even "co-dependent." I don't care. She was the center of my life and my core has been ripped out. I'm living day-to-day with that hollowness and at times just going through the motions.
And yet - and yet - there have been moments where I feel like I have moved on. My trip to India to visit with my nephew and his wife (note: even though Brian is Janell's nephew - I have unofficially adopted him and Biba as My Family!) presented me with a fantastic array of adventures and a loving connection to family. So - does that constitute moving on?
I am better able to tell "Janell stories" and appreciate our times together, still with sorrow but not the gut-wrenching pain on the past months. I can laugh at a joke or a sit-com, and not feel remorse afterward. I can watch the Packers win the Super Bowl and cheer them on, still wishing she were here, but enjoying the victory. I can plan my next trips - to Baltimore, Tampa, California and maybe even Italy or back to India, wishing she would be my traveling companion, but still moving ahead with the plans.
Maybe she IS my traveling companion, my constant soul-mate, my "kindred spirit." I think back to the music from Wicked - she placed a handprint on my heart. As I "move on," I do so WITH HER, not from her.
Mike...this may be my favorite post of yours thus far! I love that you are starting to realize that even though it is tough to get on with the every day things, overall, it is what Janell would want. That is my favorite part of that Wicked song...because she has in fact left a HUGE handprint on my heart as well...I know that I am forever changed because I knew her! You are so right that you are moving forward WITH her...not FROM her...and we all know that's exactly what she would want you, and all of us, to do!
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