Over the last nine months, I have spent an inordinate amount of time alone. Of course, I go to work, spend time with my co-workers and my project directors. But then I come home. I eat, sleep, watch TV, read, write, and take care of the house. I occasionally talk with family and friends on the phone; spend time with my daughter, my son-in-law and the grandkids; visit with my step-kids; and infrequently talk with neighbors. Otherwise, I'm alone.
And being alone - the dichotomy between lonely and solitary. It's so rare that I feel lonely. Okay - maybe on a Saturday night when I would like to go to a movie or get a bite to eat, and there's no one - then I might feel lonely. But what is going on in my psyche?
Disengaging - I've done that and had it done to me. I've pulled away and others have pulled away from me. The couples Janell and I once connected with have drifted away. Work doesn't create the connection it once had. I have little interest in the single's life - the thought of dating seems so alien.
So - hibernating - waiting for the Spring. Living on internal resources. Hiding in a cave. Just existing, not growing or changing, or living, really. Everything is stagnant. No, that's not it, not now anyway.
And so - incubating - secluded in a protective wrap, but processing, growing, changing, becoming. I think that word captures, maybe not all of the last nine months, but at least the last several months. I feel the change, but can't quite articulate it. I don't quite know what's important and where I'm headed, work-wise, family-wise, relationship-wise and in so many other ways. I'm hoping what a friend of mine called a "walk-about" - my trip to India - will help with my future decision-making and my future growth as a person. I sense it will, if I let it happen and not try to make it happen.
As I emerge, and I will emerge, I hope to be more authentic, my assertive, more sensitive and more directed. Again I hope . . . .
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