Slowing Down

I read in the news that Jill Clayburn passed away last week. The title of her biography was I'm Running As Fast As I Can. I know how she must have felt. I feel like I've been in fast forward for the last eight months - with taking care of Janell's "affairs" (for lack of a better word for funeral arrangements, closing out accounts, switching titles, paying insurance bills, etc.), taking care of the kids' needs, catching up on the mounting workload, trying to stay connected with family and friends (and feeling like a total failure), working out to cope with the stress, deciding on the remodeling of the house and moving ahead with purchases, planning and taking trips (Colorado, Wyoming, Grand Canyon, Boston - upcoming, California - upcoming, and India - upcoming), and taking care of the house (groceries, cleaning, lawn care, car repairs, etc.). It didn't seem like a lot, until I wrote it down.

I feel like I'm keeping my life full so I don't fall into the emptiness created by Janell's death. I still have that huge void in the pit of my soul - I'm filling it with "stuff" because I'm afraid if I don't I will look into my foggy future and see nothing. With Janell, we had meaning, we had connection, we had a vision of us together - traveling, playing with grand kids, laughing, cuddling, growing old together. Without Janell, I have busy-ness; I do things, mostly alone, I fill up time.

And so - to slow down: to think, to feel, to plan, to let life happen and stop trying to make it happen. To just sit, without TV, music, work, reading. And to allow myself to connect with my inner self and to connect more fully with those who care about me. To slow down and (IT IS SO SO DIFFICULT TO SAY IT!!) to begin moving on. I keep Janell in my heart forever, but . . . .